Suicide; I Almost Did

Black Dog; A visual representation on Depression & Anxiety


It may come to you as a shock but I did come very close to committing Suicide; in fact, I went as far as planning how I would go about completing said action; thankfully I didn’t allow for it to happen.

My darkest moment didn’t come completely out of the blue. In fact, I found myself spiralling out of control within my own headspace; unbeknown to those around me. I was at the time on my second trial of medication; my GP thought this dose would be the right one, it turned out to be a mistake. By this point, I had enough of being a guinea pig to medication trials. So I sat down alone away from the world, I thought of many ways out, had the words in my head ready to be written up. However, something prevented me from doing so. What stopped me from going ahead with the act is still unknown, besides the underline fact of seeing first hand how suicide has affected not only my family but others families too. The ongoing heartache and unanswered questions are certainly something I care to not leave behind.   

With the darkness looming over me, I opted to boot up my unused music production PC (it’s been off for a good year as I no longer wanted to make music.) I loaded up FL Studio, then stared hopelessly at the screen; the silence of my room allowed for me to only hear the beat of my heart; with that sound in mind, I looked to replicate it using Kick drums that beat allowed for me to freely express my then mood using my arsenal of samples/Virtual instruments. ‘Stay away’ became an audio representation of my Black Dog (Depression) the record became locked away in the vault that is my Music Production PC.

Fast forward two years; Still experiencing issues with my Depression & Anxiety, taking myself off my medication for its inability to do as my GP had hoped, being plagued with side effects I had previously worked hard to rectify previously. I once again found myself ready to call an end to my being; this time I loaded up my production PC simply to go through data and wipe it clean because my mind was set, I was going to this time do it! Stay Away was sat as an exported file on my desktop, I played it, previous memories came flooding back; however this time something unusual happened. I had a visual image in my mind, essentially a music video. Some many years ago I studied Media Production (Television & Film) with that in mind and both the qualification plus my Sony A5000 getting zero usage; I decided to storyboard the mental picture my record had sparked and the following day took myself outside into the real world; somewhere I tend to avoid wherever possible! I shot, edited, bitten the bullet and shared it online!

In a weird kind of way combining my creative outlets, Music Production, Video Production, Photography and even Graphic Design has sort of been some form of therapy; even a saving grace upon my darkest of moments. It is on the other hand simply a shame that I allow for my Depression & Anxiety to dictate how I plague myself with self-doubt.



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