Re-Discovery – I Want To Be Free

It’s rather embarrassing to even admit this to myself, let alone actually putting it into words for you and others to read. You see the truth is I’ve lost sight of who I am, all the things that define me. It’s certainly no secret that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety, well part of that’s a lie, It’s no secret to you the reader, to some friends, on the other hand, it remains a pretty guarded secret.

So let me go back to the last paragraph, I’ve lost sight of who I am! It’s true I really have. If you were to ask those who know me first hand, they’d all pretty much have the same set of descriptions and would openly admit it’s never been an issue for me in previous years, to which I have to agree. I certainly never had any issues in being myself and allowing for all to see that, that is until recently, now I struggle with who I am, the guy that looks back at me in the mirror isn’t one I know.

I was always confident, at times possibly too confident; but not that overly confident type. I had no problem being vocal, silly; being able to tell you my life goals, nor did I have any problem with me being, well, myself. Truth be told I miss the version of me I should still be; Care free! Free to creatively express myself through any of the outlets I enjoy(ed) be that, making music, shooting photos, designing, writing, wearing bright apparel; through those outlets, I hope to give people a glimpse of my personality.

Sadly, I struggle to be comfortable, even confident in displaying those things that represent or allow for me to express myself. I struggle because I’ve become a prisoner of my own mind, I allow for Depression to be the Warden, Anxiety, the officers who keep me in check. I find myself being defined by my illness, whilst being plagued by crippling self-doubt. Said self-doubt keeps me from continuing with any and all creative projects I plan or undertake; as a result of self-doubt it also sadly bleeds massively into my professional world.

This version of me is a horrid one; it under preforms; struggles to undertake daily tasks; it breaks down; seeks ways out; questions everything; fails to understand why people stick around; doesn’t see the potential others see; this version is the walking emptiness felt inside.

This is an extremely broken version of me, seeking freedom.

 

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  • CreativeMisfit

    It is so hard at times to get through each day. I know what it is like to lose yourself and not know the person who looks back at you in the mirror but i just tell myself things will get better. It wont miraculously get better over night. You will not be ” totally cured” at the end of your journey but you will get to a place where you can deal with things better and feel good about yourself and comfortable in your own skin. It will just take time. You may fall now and again but as long as you get back up that is all that matters

  • what a deep and poetic post, your words are so powerfully written, you have an incredible writing style!

    I hope one day you can manage or even overcome these feelings, coming from a former anxiety sufferer it is possible to reach a better place. stay strong

    http://www.thewhimsicalwildling.com/

    • Thank you kindly for you comment Eloise, it’s greatly appreciated, I’m glad that you enjoy my writing style.

      I too hope the day will come, I believe it’s simply about taking baby steps and learning to appreciate each day as it comes. Knowing that you, yourself have managed to achieve success in this area, certainly, fills me with confidence.