Previously I wrote about existing with depression, which for me was a gutsy thing to write about given I’m a rather secretive person. I even ended the post on a positive note. However a year on from said article, I’ve regressed, in fact, I’ve been in a rut since that post. Now I will openly admit I’ve had some positive things happen and some good days but those have been outweighed by negative thoughts and feelings and the on-going argument my brain has with itself.
I still to this day believe the Brain is a wonderful and unique piece of equipment! Unfortunately, I find myself feeling empty and agitated. I am grateful for all that I have but the day you accept you’re ready to die is a day you realise that something isn’t right. Now please do not let alarm bells ring; there is no cry for help; I write this as a form of my own acceptance and therapy; medication; of which I’ve tried many hasn’t made a difference; I’m now more isolated and freer than ever before and I converse with no more than two to three people a week.
So why do I face myself in this situation?
Firstly, Depression and Anxiety; the root cause. Secondly, Myself; I’m a person who is very hard on myself; It has to be the best and perfection, if I do not exceed that expectation; then I feel lesser value and a sense of failure – ‘All or nothing’ has always been my mindset; why to do anything if it’s only going to be half-hearted?. I now find myself in a place of temporary unemployment after another failed job role after it resulted in more health issues; Like many my age and younger seeking employment is considerably over populated with ridiculous expectations regarding experience. The stress of finding a new role is weighing heavily on me; I’ve been fortunate to work in some great industries but for whatever reason they’ve not worked out; recently I’ve taken up an online Web Design/Development course as Designing has always been something I’ve always gone back to, sadly I’ve been unsuccessful in landing a full-time role as a designer due to lack of qualifications.
You can view some of my design work on Dribbble https://dribbble.com/artisticnerd
Small steps forward
I turned 28 last month; this lead me to firstly stress further that I’m nearing 30 and still have no idea as to what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. However, I accept that maybe the right opportunity just hasn’t presented itself and isn’t ready. So I’ve made a firm decision to take small steps daily for my Mental health/wellbeing and career; I study daily; I challenge myself to design daily; furthermore I’m accepting that my ‘Broken Brain’ is just wired differently and that some days will be hard but I’ve come this far so I know I can further progress.
I will be doing my best to log my progress; in creative ways; Blog Posts; Designs; Music; Creative outlets I’ve found to be my best form of therapy. Using the social links below you can follow my progress; you can also follow me just to check in and say Hi.